Friday, January 2, 2015

The Impractical Catholic's predictions for 2015!

Making New Year predictions has much more potential for fun than making New Year resolutions, precisely because the chattering classes take them more seriously. I don't know why; they're fulfilled less often than are the resolutions. I suspect it has something to do with politics being a grand game, like watching a real-life, non-violent version of The Highlander ("There can only be one!"). So, following Elizabeth Scalia's lead, I made my own predictions for the year:

1: Pope Francis' apostolic visit to the US will be a smash hit; and the tour will be extended for several more arena dates through the South and Southwest. Ticketmaster will report record sales; his dope new single, "That's Not What I Meant", will defy all expectations by replacing Taylor Swift at the top of the charts for one week.

2: Speaking of Taylor Swift, her torrid relationship with Lena Dunham will last for most of the year, marked by some squabbles over dominance and presence at each other's public engagements. The relationship, which will be considered the power romance for the feminist movement, will end when the two women realize they're not really gay. "But it was kinda cool and empowering while it lasted," Swift will confess. Dunham will marry herself around Christmastime.

3: Vice President Joe Biden will suffer a massive coronary and die at his desk. Cleaning crews will discover his body two days later. His final wish, to be burned in a Viking longboat at sea "just like Richard Mulligan in S.O.B.," will be protested by Greenpeace.

4: Health issues will force Hillary Clinton to prematurely end her 2016 run for the presidency, leaving the Democrats without any obvious first woman president of the United States. Joe Biden will be discussed as a successor, despite having died earlier in the year and never having been a woman (to anyone's knowledge). Nancy Pelosi will volunteer; no one will notice. Chelsea Clinton will eventually be handpicked, despite never having run for or served in any elected position before.

5: In an effort to remain relevant, Sandra Fluke will have her hair cut in a Marine Corps "high 'n tight", change her first name to "Stafford", and begin fishing for bass and pike on weekends.

6: The long-simmering tensions between Catholic apologists Mark Shea and Jimmy Akin will burst into an all-out "beard war", as various Catholic bloggers sprout all manners of unusual facial hair styles; even Elizabeth Scalia will pitch into the battle, with an amusing picture of herself sporting muttonchops. The war will finally end when unknown bandits shave Michael Voris' head.

7: Warren Buffett will have a slight chest cold; when the news breaks, the Dow Jones will plummet 627 points.

8: Minions will suddenly lose their popularity, leaving Fr. Erik Richtsteig with the unenviable prospect of putting a cassock and biretta on Pusheen for his avatar.

9: In an amazing propaganda move, Kim Jong-un will finally release the video for his secret single, a cover of Nine Inch Nails' "Closer". The North Korean government will also back a denial-of-service attack against 20th Century Fox in an effort to secure the rights to Family Guy.

10: The Republican National Committee will declare that Mitt Romney will be "the only candidate that can defeat Hillary in 2016". The campaigns for Paul Ryan, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush will all protest the fact that the RNC overlooked their strengths; Rick Santorum will more perspicaciously note that Hillary had already withdrawn from the race (see no. 4), but no one will pay attention. Conservative pundits will oppose drafting either Ben Carson or Bobby Jindal as "racial pandering" and "tokenism"; voters will wonder whose side the pundits are on. The year will end in a brief surge to draft Chelsea Clinton.

11: Blogger Anthony S. Layne will write on all these topics, make bad predictions, and be mostly ignored ... which is probably all for the better.